Our little twins. You never stood a chance to survive. You were conceived shortly after your Dad and I got engaged. We were so thrilled to find out we were pregnant. You would have been 3.5 years old last month. You were all the children we'd ever need, our first and last born. I don't… Continue reading To My Unborn Children
The biggest news is that we made viability. Yay! I am 24 weeks and 4 days today. We had a growth scan on the day we hit 24 weeks and baby girl is 1 lb 14 oz already and curled up facing my spine, hiding her face. I find myself being infinitely patient with not… Continue reading 24w4d (Viability, Infertility, Miracles, and Fibroid Hell)
I had my last hCG check on Monday (19 dpo) and it more than doubled from 1810 to 3920, so we scheduled the first ultrasound to take place on 10/25. That ultrasound will be a major milestone for me and after that it's a race to the second trimester. A very slow race. I've been… Continue reading The Limbo of Pregnancy After Loss
("p" update: hCG test is tomorrow morning. FRER was slightly lighter this morning and Wondfo was darker. Choosing not to panic.) Well, that was fast. I posted that I am "p" and lost three followers. I 100% expected it to happen, and understand completely. I've done it myself. You have to protect yourself. Because it… Continue reading Smug Preggos
This is my fourth October that I have taken part in some way in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This is my fourth year of pregnancy loss. Last October, I signed up for a local ceremony and walk with a required $60 donation. I was picturing something like the walk in the movie The… Continue reading Hello, October.
I emailed Dr. J, my traditional Chinese medicine doc, and told her I needed a break from acupuncture because the cycle got cancelled. She responded, “Why did it get cancelled? For what reason?” I wrote back explaining why. No response from her after that. No nothing. WTF? I feel like ever since my cycle cancellation… Continue reading Supplements, Acupuncture, and Feeling Jaded
This is the kind of thing that I resist on a daily basis. I work at a university but I work in the foodservice part of that and this picture is from a recipe testing from our bakery. If it’s not this, it’s literal non-stop product samples, work lunches, or event dinners. I’ve been turning… Continue reading One Year: What Can Change, What Can’t Change
Last night I was lying in bed, past my bedtime, and catching up on my Facebook groups as I often do. I came across a shared pregnancy progression video. The woman showed her belly for each size milestone while the man held the comparable size item in his hand – seed, fruit, melon, you get… Continue reading Painful Reminders of Loss
The other night I had a dream I was pregnant and we found the heartbeat at 6 weeks and it was too slow to be viable. The doctor in my dream told me that the heart rate too low, and I felt this sad resignation like, “Yeah I knew this would happen again.” It was… Continue reading Infertility Grief Stage 4: Depression
I’ve written before about my doubts about my fertility clinic. I can’t change clinics until January 2018 when I change my health insurance. See, it’s complicated. I work at a university that offers its own free health insurance. The only caveat is that you have to use their health center that is only for students,… Continue reading How Do You Choose An IVF Clinic?