Pregnancy Update

To My Unborn Children

Our little twins. You never stood a chance to survive. You were conceived shortly after your Dad and I got engaged. We were so thrilled to find out we were pregnant. You would have been 3.5 years old last month. You were all the children we'd ever need, our first and last born. I don't… Continue reading To My Unborn Children

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Pregnancy After Loss (9 weeks)

Yesterday I had another ultrasound at 8 weeks 6 days. Baby measured 9 weeks 2 days and had a heart beat of 184. It resembled a little gummy bear, you know, that classic ultrasound image I never thought I'd see, that so many of us never get to see. It was also the first week… Continue reading Pregnancy After Loss (9 weeks)

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This Is A Sensitive Post.

This is a sensitive post so please don’t read if your emotional state is crap right now. I have been getting lines on my home pregnancy tests. I am a hurricane of emotions and thoughts. Even though I am technically “p” (I keep seeing WordPress people say they stole this from Mama Jo but I… Continue reading This Is A Sensitive Post.

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Hello, October.

This is my fourth October that I have taken part in some way in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This is my fourth year of pregnancy loss. Last October, I signed up for a local ceremony and walk with a required $60 donation. I was picturing something like the walk in the movie The… Continue reading Hello, October.

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IVF#1 Is A Go

Update: On Wednesday I did get a message from a nurse that my E2 is 67 and FSH is 3 (from Estrogen priming? Wtf?) and we are going ahead with the cycle. I needed to have a pity party on Wednesday, though. I am hoping my stupid cyst is hiding some follicles. I also remembered… Continue reading IVF#1 Is A Go

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One Year: What Can Change, What Can’t Change

This is the kind of thing that I resist on a daily basis. I work at a university but I work in the foodservice part of that and this picture is from a recipe testing from our bakery. If it’s not this, it’s literal non-stop product samples, work lunches, or event dinners. I’ve been turning… Continue reading One Year: What Can Change, What Can’t Change

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Random Update After July 4

I had a four day July 4th weekend because I took off Monday, and I strayed off the diet wagon. I’ve put on all of 4 pounds which is enough to send me into a mental tailspin. My metabolism is so shot that 1 cheat meal really sets me back a week. I also have… Continue reading Random Update After July 4

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Infertility Grief Stage 4: Depression

The other night I had a dream I was pregnant and we found the heartbeat at 6 weeks and it was too slow to be viable. The doctor in my dream told me that the heart rate too low, and I felt this sad resignation like, “Yeah I knew this would happen again.” It was… Continue reading Infertility Grief Stage 4: Depression

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“At least I know I can get pregnant.”

In January 2016, after a year of marriage, we began trying to conceive. We used protection for all of 2015 because I wanted to “spend a year enjoying marriage with no kids.” I told my husband, “We’ll never have this time again.” He wanted to try to have a baby in 2015, but we waited… Continue reading “At least I know I can get pregnant.”