This is my fourth October that I have taken part in some way in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This is my fourth year of pregnancy loss. Last October, I signed up for a local ceremony and walk with a required $60 donation. I was picturing something like the walk in the movie The… Continue reading Hello, October.
I can feel myself easing into the first stages of depression. My body is a tense knot of anxiety. I have forsaken the fucking fertility diet for the time being that I just am so tired of thinking about. I'm still taking my pills, and tracking my cycles, and trying to make a baby from… Continue reading Depression, Retreat, and Anovulatory Cycles
I pour over old medical records. When exactly did I become infertile? My right ovary was 3.5 mL over a year ago. A menopausal ovary is 2.8 mL on average. Right. When did my AMH drop? I’ll never know. My body is a mystery to me and to my doctors but they aren’t nearly as… Continue reading At Peace With Donor Eggs, IVF # 2
I finally did it. I left my Facebook support groups, except for my DOR and Donor Egg groups. Bye, bitches! Well, they weren’t all bitches. But this morning I saw a post from a woman who just transferred one of her many PGS normal embryos and got a strong positive before her beta, and oh… Continue reading My Future Motherhood
Does your face ever cry without your mind knowing it? This morning I was listening to an audiobook while I got ready for work and a character said she felt proud of the amazing children she and her husband had created. And my mind was on the tub of face cream in my hand but… Continue reading Second Guessing Infertility
Turning 35 Sunday was my 35th birthday. I remember when I decided I wanted children at 29, I thought, "But I need to have them by 35 because the risk of chromosomal abnormalities like Down syndrome increase after 35." I remember finally meeting my soulmate and getting married at 32 and deciding I'd have my… Continue reading Turning 35, WTF Appointment, and Next Steps
Yesterday I stuck to my stupid gluten free dairy free blah blah blah and got on the treadmill and ate some brazil nuts and pineapple core, and then I put in my progesterone, got in bed, and fell asleep to my fertility meditation. Friday is my WTF appointment with Dr. M. I am going to… Continue reading Get Me Off Of Infertility Island!
I am profoundly unhappy. Last night was my support group meeting. I love that group because everyone there is screwed, too. Not as much as I am but not the 'Woe is me, I only got 12 eggs at my retrieval' crowd in my online groups. I may need to take a break from those. … Continue reading Post IVF Cancellation
I emailed Dr. J, my traditional Chinese medicine doc, and told her I needed a break from acupuncture because the cycle got cancelled. She responded, “Why did it get cancelled? For what reason?” I wrote back explaining why. No response from her after that. No nothing. WTF? I feel like ever since my cycle cancellation… Continue reading Supplements, Acupuncture, and Feeling Jaded
Cycle got cancelled. We went in on Saturday morning, stims day 8, cycle day 13, and we were told that my endometrial lining was developing the triple stripe and was 6.8 mm (yay I have a decent uterus still) and that none of my follicles were at 10 mm yet. She did say that my… Continue reading IVF # 1: Cancelled