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CD 37 !?: Short Update

I ovulated 3 weeks late. That's right! I am on CD 37 and 5 DPO, or at least I think. And it's that damn DHEA, I am sure. That's what delayed me every cycle in 2017 until I stopped taking it. But I am taking it until we are ready to start trying officially since… Continue reading CD 37 !?: Short Update

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I’m Still Here

The first time around, we were willing to empty savings accounts and 401Ks. We were willing to go into debt, to let go of my DNA, to travel across states, to get a baby. Because we had no baby. Now that we have one, and she is my world, the desperation is less intense. But… Continue reading I’m Still Here

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In Line For the Secondary Infertility Ride

The woman I know pregnant with twins lost one at 6 weeks and I felt terrible about my envy of her. She's due with a boy in July now. I've had several more friends have babies and announce pregnancies since my daughter was born and I still get pangs. I know 100% that I desperately… Continue reading In Line For the Secondary Infertility Ride

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Secondary Infertility Fears

Someone I know is pregnant with twins. IVF twins, after 4 rounds of IVF and a possible miscarriage, secondary infertility after primary infertility. And still... I flinched when I heard it. Isn't that stupid? I got lucky with one baby, and my feelings on having/trying for a second are worthy of an entire separate post,… Continue reading Secondary Infertility Fears

Pregnancy Update

Pregnancy After Loss Frustrations

Warning: this is a vent, a frustration fueled vent, a hormonal oversensitive vent. Today I'm feeling like I just need to stop talking to people. First: my co-worker with the pregnant wife. He's the ultimate one upper. I'm going through a hard time with my family during this pregnancy, so naturally they are going through… Continue reading Pregnancy After Loss Frustrations

Pregnancy Update

24w4d (Viability, Infertility, Miracles, and Fibroid Hell)

The biggest news is that we made viability. Yay! I am 24 weeks and 4 days today. We had a growth scan on the day we hit 24 weeks and baby girl is 1 lb 14 oz already and curled up facing my spine, hiding her face. I find myself being infinitely patient with not… Continue reading 24w4d (Viability, Infertility, Miracles, and Fibroid Hell)

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Hello, October.

This is my fourth October that I have taken part in some way in Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. This is my fourth year of pregnancy loss. Last October, I signed up for a local ceremony and walk with a required $60 donation. I was picturing something like the walk in the movie The… Continue reading Hello, October.

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Depression, Retreat, and Anovulatory Cycles

I can feel myself easing into the first stages of depression. My body is a tense knot of anxiety. I have forsaken the fucking fertility diet for the time being that I just am so tired of thinking about. I'm still taking my pills, and tracking my cycles, and trying to make a baby from… Continue reading Depression, Retreat, and Anovulatory Cycles

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At Peace With Donor Eggs, IVF # 2

I pour over old medical records. When exactly did I become infertile? My right ovary was 3.5 mL over a year ago. A menopausal ovary is 2.8 mL on average. Right. When did my AMH drop? I’ll never know. My body is a mystery to me and to my doctors but they aren’t nearly as… Continue reading At Peace With Donor Eggs, IVF # 2