The other night I had a dream I was pregnant and we found the heartbeat at 6 weeks and it was too slow to be viable. The doctor in my dream told me that the heart rate too low, and I felt this sad resignation like, “Yeah I knew this would happen again.” It was… Continue reading Infertility Grief Stage 4: Depression
I’ve written before about my doubts about my fertility clinic. I can’t change clinics until January 2018 when I change my health insurance. See, it’s complicated. I work at a university that offers its own free health insurance. The only caveat is that you have to use their health center that is only for students,… Continue reading How Do You Choose An IVF Clinic?
What makes an otherwise sane woman pee on a stick (or dip a stick in pee) once, twice, three times a day, starting on 5 dpo? What makes that woman stare at that stark white test and take pictures of it and tweak the contrast options until a line, that may or may not actually… Continue reading Hello Darkness My Old Friend (CD 3)
Cycle day 6 and my lining grew a whole half a millimeter to 4.7mm, and we're down to three follicles, all three still less than 10mm. This ultrasound was done by the doctor I like the least, by the way, just to add insult to injury. His bedside manner just makes everything so much more… Continue reading All Hope: Exit Stage Left.
Why am I embarrassed that I can’t have a baby? You always hear women who have infertility saying they feel ashamed, like they are less of a woman, or that their bodies betrayed them. I don’t have any of those feelings but I feel straight up embarrassed of my broken ovaries. Like when someone sideswiped… Continue reading The Embarrassment of Infertility
When I got to my acupuncture appointment today, Dr. J told me I ovulated on CD 17. She said my temps don't look the way they should, which is what was throwing me, because I have low progesterone. I hope she's right about me ovulating this month. She told me to be happy and not… Continue reading Hope for Egg Quality
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. For me, denial and bargaining have gone hand in hand. I will never forget the morning I got my AMH result I just fell apart completely, sobbing in bed. We spent the weekend watching bad movies to take our minds off of it.… Continue reading Infertility’s Stages of Grief