My Mother. Myself.

My parents were never married and they broke up when I was 7 going on 8 years old. My mother asked me to move out with her and I, a mommy's girl, saw no other option. The year I lived with her was hard - not enough food to bring to school for lunch, or…

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Not My Best Day (pregnancy update)

Today is a hard day. Yesterday I was so wiped out exhausted that I put my head down on my desk at work and nearly slept. I got home and fell asleep quite early. Today I woke up at 5:30 am and it took me hours to get out of bed and I was late…

Pregnancy Update (11w4d)

It has been a week since my last ultrasound and I have two weeks to go until my next. It's so harrowing not knowing what is going on inside me. I was able to find the heartbeat on the doppler once last week, and then two nights ago I tried again and I thought I…

An Actual Pregnancy Update (And At A Cross Roads)

I am at a crossroads whether or not to blog at all about this pregnancy. Yeah, I ventured to add the rest of the letters on to that P. Yeah, I may be taking them back still. But I've had feedback that my P updates aren't completely unwelcome, and I've also had people unfollow, maybe…

RE Graduation and First Prenatal Appointment

The day before Thanksgiving we graduated from my RE, Dr. M. At 9w6d we measured at 10w1d and heart rate was 172 (down from peak at 184.) We got a video of baby doing a little dance for us. This morning was my first prenatal appointment. I had a quick scan to see if everything…

Pregnancy After Loss (9 weeks)

Yesterday I had another ultrasound at 8 weeks 6 days. Baby measured 9 weeks 2 days and had a heart beat of 184. It resembled a little gummy bear, you know, that classic ultrasound image I never thought I'd see, that so many of us never get to see. It was also the first week…

It Still Hurts

I always thought that being p or having a baby would not erase the pain of others' pregnancy announcements. I was right. It doesn't erase the pain. And I'm not talking about the announcements of total strangers, or the women in my infertility or pregnancy after loss groups, or on the blogs. I am talking…

Maybe A Baby? (7w6d Ultrasound)

Yesterday was my third ultrasound at 7w6d. I was tightly wound and extremely nervous all day. Before the appointment my husband and I had the following text conversation. Me: I'm freaked out. Him: Me too. Let's keep it under control. If it's bad news, let's just deal with it. Be prepared either way. Me: No…

Trauma of Pregnancy After Loss

These past few days I am struggling with my thoughts and feelings. I don't know where I belong. I no longer have anything to contribute to or any information to glean from my infertility groups. I feel straight up unwelcome at times. As though I have not suffered enough, as though getting "p" is all…

Positivity for Pregnancy After Loss

I did something crazy - I bought a pregnancy journal. I've always wanted to document and celebrate a pregnancy and I decided to start now since things look good so far, and I don't want to look back and be sad I missed out on the beginning. I've always wanted to do weekly bump updates…