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I’m Still Here

The first time around, we were willing to empty savings accounts and 401Ks. We were willing to go into debt, to let go of my DNA, to travel across states, to get a baby. Because we had no baby. Now that we have one, and she is my world, the desperation is less intense. But we want a second one, which makes me feel greedy and ungrateful, but we do, and for that we are less willing to go to great lengths, and that is because we have one. When I say we, I mean my husband and I, but he is less willing than I am. I brought up donor embryos last week to be met with a swift “no.” It would take the pressure off of me to perform. I already have a baby from my own DNA and yet have already made peace with having a baby with someone else’s DNA so it seems perfect. But no.

So the pressure is on my eggs again, and I know I’m too heavy to quality for IVF at my clinic, and my doctor has left, and I don’t know if a new doctor would give me a hard time about my weight instead of letting us attempt an IUI or medicated cycle, so I am afraid to even start that process again. And anyway, I want to try on our own again first, especially since that’s the only thing that’s ever worked for us.

Inside I am a mix of emotions. Desperation to be pregnant again and yet also knowing that I do have my baby and ultimately, she is enough for me. Guilt for wanting a second when I already have one. Pressure to get going and have a baby again soon since I will be 37 this year, I want them to be close in age, and it takes me so long to get a good egg. Fear of miscarriage. Fear of her growing up “alone.” Wishing we could just be done.

For me, the bitterness of recurrent loss hasn’t faded much, just a little. I know that a lot of people can’t relate to me since I’ve had a baby now, but I still understand the primary infertility pain. And I’m here for it. I see you, I support you, I get you. I won’t forget what it’s like.

13 thoughts on “I’m Still Here”

  1. I have been through this too. Primary infertility is truly horrific but trying for a sibling is heart wrenching too. It took me years to find my way to a sibling and I stressed about the age gap but it is actually quite nice and they are still so close. Anyway- sending you love and luck. Hoping for you.

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    1. Your experiences remain what I recall to myself for strength. What is your age gap? I always think I want them close in age but also when I see 4 or 5 year olds with their baby siblings it’s just so sweet because they love their new baby, too. I know we will be okay.

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      1. Age gap is about 3 1/2 years. Truly spectacular and they are close and play but my older one is self sufficient enough it’s not total chaos. If I could have been guaranteed a baby I would have chosen this gap but glad I started the process soon since it took a while 🙂

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  2. I am grateful for my daughter. I don’t need an angry internet stranger telling me to be grateful. If you’d read my blog at all you’d know I’ve been through years of infertility trauma and recurrent pregnancy loss and we were about to use a donor egg, so there are no criticisms of non genetic motherhood here. I’m not sure why you’re going off about that to me. I can see you’re in pain but do not lash out at me again. I am permitted to want another baby. I am.

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    1. You must have taking my comments the wrong way. I am looking for outlets from a male perspective outside social media. Yes I’m in the midst of angst and tribulations so I may come off as such but…..I’m saying, if another opportunity does not prevail it’s ok. You have a healthy baby. Some have trouble with that. If one does, awesome 👍. It will. I’m happy you made it through the madness and I’m sure this has given you a perspective of gratefulness many don’t understand. Now go get that baby 😀👍.

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      1. You are right, I misunderstood. Feeling oversensitive probably. It’s definitely okay if I never get a second baby. My one baby is more than enough. I never thought I’d feel like this, though. The ache to grow my family is strong and the pain of infertility and loss never went away. But I will never ever tell you or anyone else that secondary infertility is as bad as primary infertility. It really is worse to want a child and have none. I understand that completely and I always will.

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      2. My husband, by the way, is on the fence about donor eggs now that we have 1 genetic baby. He wants our baby to be related to me. It’s funny because I completely don’t care, but I want our baby to be related to him. He’s much more optimistic than I am about my eggs, STILL.

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      3. Yes, genetically related. If i were to get pregnant using a donor egg, that baby would not be genetically related to me. You know?

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      4. 😀 I know. I was being facetious. I’ve been through every pensive 🤔 thought you could imagine in this process. Anger. Resent. Pain. Angst. Jealousy. Bitterness. Still have it. However it all comes down to what you want a child for? What’s your reason. What’s your definition of family? Look up the definition of you want better insight. Of course this all depends on if you have religious issues and if one can truly let go of ego.

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      5. Those feelings haven’t gone away with me. For some they do, but not for me. I hope they do for you. I”m still a walking wound sometimes and the recurrent losses did permanent damage I can’t seem to repair. As for genetics and family? I don’t care at all. I would take any random baby I could get my hands on if it were that easy. I don’t need any genetic connection. I got past that. My husband has a harder time. He’s super optimistic and holds onto his ideas of how things should be, but he’s not a stone wall. Some people would never consider it. It’s so personal.

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      6. Yeah. I here ya. We all have our views and beliefs. Society certainly does not help but “all grass has poop”. Some people have kids and terrible relationships or no significant other at all. Broken homes. Broken families. It’s a shame and frankly pisses me off but I can’t control that. Nor can I control my sperm are all funky and I met my wife when we were 38/39. It’s all a process. I would LOVE the normal process but spending thousands of dollars for hope to be the norm with higher probability of baby problems on top of it just seems like a mute cause if my purpose is simply to have opportunity to be a “dad”. Anyone can be a father but most screw it up anyway. 😀. Watch the documentary about the worlds strongest man. Tell your husband to

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      7. Documentary called Froning. this is the fittest guy ever. Excepts his path to parenthood with no ego. Just blessings. Have husband watch it. It helped me. Situation still sucks but….again. I can fight it (which I do often) again solely if I compare “the societal norm” or I can take what’s giving. At this point which is still nada. But…. good luck

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