The woman I know pregnant with twins lost one at 6 weeks and I felt terrible about my envy of her. She’s due with a boy in July now.
I’ve had several more friends have babies and announce pregnancies since my daughter was born and I still get pangs. I know 100% that I desperately want a second child, and it feels surreal to be typing that. Second child.
So where am I now? Not trying yet. Handfuls of supplements a day, tracking, temping, OPKs (periods are wildly irregular), attempting a fertility diet and failing about 30% of the time, not losing weight, having extreme anxiety. My metabolism is shot. Nothing is getting off the weight.
We were planning to start trying again in April but now we think we may try again the next time I ovulate. Of course, I’m on CD30 and unsure if I ever ovulated this cycle.
Back on the DHEA out of paranoia that this is what got me my daughter, even though I am also certain this is what screws up my cycles. I am also trying to rescue my Fertile Heart audio files and my Circle + Bloom meditation files.
I desperately wish that we had frozen embryos or could grow eggs with IVF. I wish I hadn’t gotten so fat so I could attempt IVF again. I feel stranded and hopeless.
It’s been a while since I’ve written one of these self obsessed posts. Sorry for the boring info. It helps to get it all arranged in my mind when I write about it, though.