Someone I know is pregnant with twins. IVF twins, after 4 rounds of IVF and a possible miscarriage, secondary infertility after primary infertility. And still…
I flinched when I heard it.
Isn’t that stupid?
I got lucky with one baby, and my feelings on having/trying for a second are worthy of an entire separate post, but basically I must be prepared either way to be satisfied with a one and done. But moments like this remind me I’m not there yet.
Remind me that there’s no fertility doctor who can help me when I grow zero eggs with fertility meds. Remind me that I only have 1 live birth out of 5 pregnancies. Remind me that I’m 36 and my husband is 38 and time is even less on our side than when we started four years ago. Remind me that I was cheated out of twins with my first pregnancy. Remind me that I may have secondary infertility forever.
I wish there was hope for me. I wish I had a way to hope. I wish that I could grow eggs with fertility meds. I wish that I could know my future. I wish that I didn’t have to stop breastfeeding if I want to try for a baby because I need to go on a strict 3 month diet and supplement regimen for optimum results (I think, and breastfeeding is a whole other crazy topic for me worthy of a post by itself.)
So, that’s all. It still hurts, and I’m still here, even though I’ve gotten what I wanted once already.