Warning: this is a vent, a frustration fueled vent, a hormonal oversensitive vent.
Today I’m feeling like I just need to stop talking to people.
First: my co-worker with the pregnant wife. He’s the ultimate one upper. I’m going through a hard time with my family during this pregnancy, so naturally they are going through a harder time. I am unable to walk at times because of my symphysis pubic dysfunction, so naturally, his wife is also immobile in unbearable pain because of… something. On the other hand, I told them wear to buy maternity clothes, and now they are bragging in real life and on Facebook about what a wonderful husband he is for buying her maternity clothes. Also, she bought her shower dress from the store I recommended and it’s the one I wanted. The list goes on and on but I sound like a petty freak and he’s a good friend, I just really wish I didn’t have to go through this pregnancy with his wife.
Second: the infertility community. I’m not in the trenches anymore, so I feel like I’ve been ejected and spit out into the world of fertiles, where I sometimes feel as though am treated like one who has not suffered enough and could not possibly understand the struggle. My mind is still in the trenches. I am still envious and hurt when I see fertiles falling pregnant so easily around me (case in point, above mentioned co-worker). I did not get where I am unscathed, and yet I feel like I am an unwelcome presence among infertiles. I don’t blame them because I’m likely to have a baby in June. But I don’t fit in anywhere, now. I am still a silent member of some of my infertility groups online, and some of these members seem downright hostile toward people with children and babies. I get that, I totally doa. I’ve tried to be sensitive to that sentiment, in this blog and elsewhere. But it horrifies me to think I am now one of those objects of disdain. How often do infertile women see me and go write online about how angry I make them?
79 days to go. I feel emotional all the time but ultimately, I am happy. I am grateful. I am lucky.