There are 97 days until this baby girl is here. I never thought I’d be the one counting down the double digits. The nursery is getting painted on Monday, and a muralist is coming in to do some custom work the following week.
It’s like I’m this regular pregnant mom, getting ready for baby, planning childbirth classes and washing onesies. It’s looks like I’m just like everyone else.
And then I see a celebrity pregnancy announcement and feel bitter envy and anger. Totally irrational but there it is. This reality star also had a baby when my third baby was due in February 2017, so I kind of feel like she got her fair share and now it’s my turn. As though any of that makes sense, yet it’s what is going through my twisted post-infertility mind.
I am having extreme mom anxiety, too. I can barely care for myself these days. The fatigue and pains I have are making it hard for me to do much plus I just don’t feel like doing anything. I’m starting to suspect prenatal depression and I need to find out how to get help for that. I have no desire to do anything. I mean, I barely do laundry, I shower and put on makeup and do my hair, I get to work (late) and I get home, and I pay all my bills on time, and that’s about it. I don’t know how I’ll fit in baby care and housework and punctuality when I am juggling work and baby. My husband and I are fortunate enough that I could quit my job if we wanted that, but I have deep insecurities about not working for many reasons. Also, I have free healthcare through my job which I think is invaluable and makes my job as financially valuable as my husband’s. There is no major surgery, medication, or extended hospital stay we need to pay for with my insurance, and we are so lucky for that, how could I quit? And that’s considering the daycare that costs the same as some college tuition per year.
But how the hell do moms with babies work full time? I’ll find out in September.