20w4d Update: We had our follow up anatomy scan, everything is totally normal. I asked them to check my cervix again and both my OB and the perinatologist who did my second anatomy scan agree that since my cervix was 3.2 cm at 18 weeks and I am not at risk (cervical ectopic doesn’t count as a risk) and I’ve had no symptoms (perinatologist says there’d be bleeding) that my cervix is perfectly fine. I felt reassured that day, but every time I read about someone else’s incompetent cervix I go spiraling down. On days I feel anxious, I use Crinone, which is probably doing nothing since it’s not daily, but it’s peace of mind at least. So that’s good news! Right?
Also, we had our gender reveal and it went great (we pretended not to know because we are terrible people) and my aunt is planning my shower, the venue is booked, the guest list is set, and we even bought the crib I really wanted, Halo bassinet, Stokke highchair, and Owlet. All second hand but in mint condition because I am both a scrooge and a perfectionist.
The only hiccup is that during the second anatomy scan, the views were partially obstructed because of my fibroids. I had to roll onto my side at one point so they could try to look around the fibroids. They got all the views they needed, but it was hard. The perinatologist told me that my fibroids are still bigger than my baby. I have more fibroid than baby. What the hell? We can’t get a single picture of her face without one of my giant fibroids looming next to her head.
So I finally need to acknowledge that and give myself a break for beating myself up for why I am in so much pain. Why my pelvis hurts, why my pubic bone hurts, why it hurts when I go upstairs or get out of bed, why my knees hurt because my balance is off, why my stomach is SO HUGE. It’s because I’m carrying extra weight like a twin mom. I have more than the mass of two 20 week fetuses in there, so I can stop being angry with myself for struggling physically.
This isn’t a complaint, of course. I’d make this permanent if that’s what got me my baby. But I can stop feeling inferior to other 20 week moms who aren’t waddling to take pressure off of their groin.