Pregnancy Update

Mental Struggles with Pregnancy After Loss

16 weeks 4 days up in here! Thursday is my cervical measurement, right at 17 weeks. Really pisses me off they couldn’t get me in sooner, even though this is an urgent scan. And this is after me trying to make the appointment for days. The ultrasound department made it sound like they were doing me a big favor. Meanwhile I am literally afraid for my pregnancy ending and it being too late to catch it.

Anatomy scan: January 18! We decided to announce publicly that day because Thursdays are lucky days for us and my husband considers Saturdays to be unlucky. Something about the word for Saturday in his native language, Tamil, being the same as or similar to the name of a god of death. I’m not sure but it’s why we got married on a Sunday.

Gender reveal party: February 3. One day before my co-worker’s. I am starting to regret pretending we don’t know the gender because I have to trust other people to do everything the way I hope for it to be, since I supposedly don’t know and all. But I do know that my co-worker is doing something “exploding” because cakes and balloons are stupid. Oh well then I guess he’ll think my reveal is stupid.

One thing I am struggling with right now is my mind being in two different places. I have to plan for a baby this June, and yet I am not sure I am having a baby this June. My co-worker and his wife are already looking at daycares which sent me into a frenzy since we didn’t start that yet. So now I have started that, barely, and my former step-mother (whom I am very close to) is advising me to start working on a registry, look at daycares, plan when we will paint nursery, etc. How can I create a registry when I don’t know yet if we’ll get our rainbow?

The practical planner side of me is pushing ahead and working on these things, though, because I don’t want to be without daycare and a crib when I need them, right?

But I tried to work on a private registry and I can barely choose anything. I’ve been spending all my time researching cervical incompetence, low amniotic fluid, high amniotic fluid, cholestatis, brain deformities, and reading about termination for medical reasons. One day, I read so many stories about tfmr that I almost came to accept this as my fate. I have no clue what an infant car seat is and if I need it to adapt to the stroller, or whatever that means.

One big thing that happened though, is last Wednesday my stomach literally popped out and now I look very pregnant. I am still hiding it at work with long scarves and sweaters but it’s hard. I had to buy two pairs of maternity pants, one for work. I’ve been feeling her move more often, too. I always read that plus size women didn’t show this early and couldn’t feel the baby this early, so I guess I got lucky.


7 thoughts on “Mental Struggles with Pregnancy After Loss”

  1. The only thing I have done for this child is secure daycare only because I want them to go to the same place my son goes to. Nothing else has been done. I am definitely jealous that you are feeling your little girl, that’s so awesome! I felt some slight movements about a week ago but nothing since 😦 I had an anterior placenta with my son and at my 12 week ultrasound this one was anterior too. Seriously sucks but I can still find him on the doppler so I am trying to not get too worried. I am hoping you have a great cervical scan and that it will help to put some of your fears to rest, at least for a little bit. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I jinxed myself because I haven’t felt anything in two days, so glad for the doppler! Thank you I hope all is good, too. I think it is but I just can’t assume until we’re in the clear.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Desperately hoping you get reassurance on the day of the scan. Temporary, I know, but it will make it easier to imagine that you might get to keep this little one.

    Contrary to what Dr thought (only one follicle will grow) yesterday’s scan showed two. (And one super small which I wish would just catch up!) so tomorrow is retrieval and obviously, day 3 transfer if we have anything to transfer.

    Take care and looking forward to a long and drama free pregnancy for you.

    Liked by 2 people

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