This is a sensitive post so if you are emotionally vulnerable please feel free to skip if needed.
Shit. Just. Got. Real.
I got my cell free DNA (Counsyl) results in this morning and the baby has a very low risk for Down’s Syndrome, trisomy 13, trisomy 18, and I guess all the other things the Counsyl Prelude test is for. I only got the results from my doctor yet, not the detailed report, but she said it all looks good.
Also the baby is a girl.
I am in disbelief and so happy I am just walking on air. I started crying, texted my husband at work (he goes in earlier than I do) and he said he wanted to know right away and so he called me and I told him and he started sobbing at work and then he had to go run a meeting.
This whole time I have become convinced that baby is a boy that I went from wanting a girl to wanting both. I was so worried baby had Down’s Syndrome that I did a lot of research and decided we would carry to term and accept this into our lives with joy. So I felt really good that I knew I would be happy no matter what and not suffer gender disappointment.
The reason I’ve always wanted a girl is not so that I can dress her up like a doll and call her a princess or a mini-me (not that there’s anything wrong with that). I’ve always wanted a daughter because I’ve always wanted the mother-daughter relationship I don’t have. I want to be a good mom to a daughter, unlike my mom.
My mother moved across the country when I was 10. I saw her once when I was 13. I am now 35. She took my sister with her when she moved, and now my mother lives with her and has helped her with her three kids. My mother RSVP’d NO to my wedding 3 years ago. I did have a step-mother who raised me, but had a hard time seeing her as a mother figure. She and my father divorced when I was 21. I’ve seen my friends call their mothers for advice about boyfriends, school, sororities, jobs, weddings, babies, everything, and I’ve always wished for that. I wanted my mom to help me plan my wedding and pick out my gown with me. I wanted my mom to give me advice on how to get baby to sleep.
As an adult now, I have completely lost a relationship with not only my mother, but also my sister. I last saw her 25 years ago but I still love her as fiercely as I did when I was a child. I always looked up to her. The last time I spoke to my sister I was 18 years old and she has no desire to speak to me again. My mother responds in short sentences when I email her and ends the conversations as soon as possible. She doesn’t want to know me, either.
There have been times that I wish they’d died (I’m sorry about that) because then I could mourn them and stop hoping they will want me in their lives. It’s painful to watch my mother love my sister and not me (we are Facebook friends, haha), and to watch my mother care for my nieces and nephew when she won’t care for my children. It’s worth noting that when she left, she also abandoned my older brother and his daughter, so at least she didn’t just reject me. My older brother doesn’t get to speak to her, either.
So the stakes just got higher, because now I can imagine this baby, my daughter, and what I might choose for her nursery and her first Christmas dress. Now my emotions are hooked even deeper and I need to keep this baby girl alive in there as long as I can.
7 days left until second trimester.