Pregnancy Update

How To Lose Your Mind When You Are Pregnant After Recurrent Loss

  1. Your coworker’s wife has a scan. Her baby is okay, so yours must not be okay.
  2. Spend the day in despair that you bought baby expo tickets for this weekend and you are having a miscarriage.
  3. Go home and struggle with the doppler to find a heartbeat. You think you hear it twice for just a few seconds but it goes away. You are 70% sure everything is okay.
  4. You have a moment of clarity where you realize you are being irrational and decide to live blissfully until your next scan.
  5. Wake up the next morning feeling sure that you did not hear the heartbeat last night.
  6. Decide to email your OB asking for an emergency scan. Decide you will have to blow off financial month end at work to mourn at home.
  7. Realize that even if baby was alive last night you likely poked him to death with the doppler because you pressed so hard.
  8. Wonder if it is possible to dislodge the placenta by poking.
  9. Come up with several snippy retorts you wish you’d thought of earlier for the women in one of your groups who chastised you for using a doppler. You know that you would think you are miscarrying whether or not you heard a heartbeat.
  10. Read your Pregnancy After Loss Support group and see that one woman always knows she has miscarried when she fails to find a heartbeat with the doppler at home.
  11. Cry.
  12. Decide to check with doppler one last time at home.
  13. Find the heartbeat fairly quickly this time, close to your belly button. Relief.
  14. Drive to work happy crying and singing Christmas music as you imagine announcing to your brother on Christmas.
  15. Get to work and wonder if you actually heard the heartbeat or not.
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3 thoughts on “How To Lose Your Mind When You Are Pregnant After Recurrent Loss”

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