Pregnancy Update (11w4d)

It has been a week since my last ultrasound and I have two weeks to go until my next. It’s so harrowing not knowing what is going on inside me. I was able to find the heartbeat on the doppler once last week, and then two nights ago I tried again and I thought I heard it twice so briefly and then it went away. So I think that I heard it and baby moved away.

But I posted about it in one of my non-loss related groups, that is normally very supportive about pregnancy, asking for others’ experiences, you know, if they heard it once and then had a harder time hearing it again. I got two helpful responses and a barrage of rude, very condescending, unhelpful remarks about how I shouldn’t be using  a home doppler because even though it’s “fun” it causes more worry.

Um no, nothing about this is fun. I’m not doing this for fun. That remark was the one that made me see red. What an insensitive moronic thing to say. And truthfully I’m not looking for anyone else’s opinion on what I should or shouldn’t do unless I expressly say so. What makes people feel the right to be so sanctimonious?

This coming Sunday we are going to a baby expo. I will be 12 weeks 3 days and yet I am already regretting buying the tickets. It’s way too early to be evaluating strollers and things when I don’t even know if I’ll have this baby. How do regular women do this?? Worst case scenario I’ll just scoop up all of the free things available that I can and feel like I got something out of it.

How am I supposed to just go weeks in between appointments assuming I am still pregnant?


12 thoughts on “Pregnancy Update (11w4d)”

  1. In response to “how to regular women do this?”- They are blissfully ignorant to all the possible things that could go wrong… all the things that you have, so sadly, had to endure already. While I cannot truly understand your plight and worry, the only thing I can say is that, statistically, chances of something going terribly wrong as VERY DRASTICALLY reduced at the point you are now. I’m sorry you are not so blissfully ignorant.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I keep telling myself that, and the statistical thing used to not help me because my first loss was one of those 1 in 90 million situations. But lately, I keep thinking, there are women who are where I am at right now and they are announcing their pregnancies and buying baby clothes, and they are going to have their babies. Maybe I can just pretend to be one of them. And it works for a little while! I have little bouts where I think everything is going to be okay and it’s nice and it gets me through in between each doubtful day.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The wait between ultrasounds is the worst!!! I bit the bullet and ordered a doppler this morning because I just cant take the fact that I don’t even have another appointment for 3 more weeks to hear the HB. I need to know if it’s still there. A “normal” person is so blissfully ignorant. I wish I could be like them. ❤ Sorry your group wasn't supportive!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh I’m big and I was very surprised to find it so soon. But maybe I got lucky? Which is why the last time when I only heard it for seconds worries me!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Remember that you have to be almost right on top of it to hear the heartbeat and at the stage babe is small and there lots of room to move around. So you might have been in the right spot for a second and the he/she seam away!


  3. Ugh, I remember this time so well and it’s awful and there’s nothing that will really help except time. Soon you’ll start showing and being able to find the heartbeat much more reliably and it’ll get much easier but this time is really hard. I felt exactly the same. In fact I could only really start buying things once we reached viability and found shopping for baby before then quite traumatic. Hugsxxx


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s