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Trauma of Pregnancy After Loss

These past few days I am struggling with my thoughts and feelings.

I don’t know where I belong. I no longer have anything to contribute to or any information to glean from my infertility groups. I feel straight up unwelcome at times. As though I have not suffered enough, as though getting “p” is all it takes to be pushed out of that support system when getting p is actually a terrifying event for a woman with recurrent pregnancy loss.

My pregnancy after loss group is somewhat helpful but oddly the most active members are women who are well past 20 weeks pregnant. It’s hard to relate.

This weekend I started to tailspin when on Sunday I realized I hadn’t had nausea or indigestion on Saturday, so I tested on some Wondfos and my test line was a shade lighter than the control line (it’s never gotten darker even though on First Response tests the control line is a little wisp of a thing) and I convinced myself something was terribly wrong. Also I woke up at 3:30 am with insomnia, instead of being exhausted, so I was in a desperate horrible state. I managed to convince myself everything is terribly wrong and I couldn’t get out of bed all day.

Never mind that exhaustion hit and I had to nap all morning and my hip and back aches from my growing uterus hit me hard, followed by mild indigestion, and my Wondfos were taken after peeing three times in the night and thus not really an accurate indicator. I can no longer go 4 hours without urinating so I need to stop testing.

I keep thinking back to the heartbeat only being 122/bpm and I feel worry and fear, even though 122/bpm is normal, good even, for 6w5d.

I consider this to be the most pregnant I’ve ever been, since the time I made it to 9 weeks the baby measured 6 weeks and I knew something was wrong for weeks before it ended. Last night I ordered a home doppler to try to hear heartbeat even though I know it’s much too soon and I have a fat stomach so it will be extra difficult.

On the edge of my seat until my third ultrasound on Wednesday. I’ll be 7w6d. Please please please let things be normal.

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Trauma of Pregnancy After Loss”

  1. I am so sorry you are feeling like you are without a support group. I understand what you mean about existing in a weird no-man’s land when your pregnant after loss – it’s so darn hard because everything causes worry and anxiety (which I think is normal, because after loss, that’s all we know). Anyways, I wish I could offer you more comfort, but all I can say is that I understand and I truly wish you the best right now as you get through these hard moments.

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  2. One scan at a time was my motto. There’s nothing more you can do at this stage than take care of yourself and wait for the next check up. My husband kept reminding me that we’ll worry enough when or if they give us bad news. Of course it didn’t stop me worrying but it did make me stop worrying for a little while here and there. Until they tell you it’s bad news, it’s still good news so try to hang on to that. Best of luck!

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  3. I felt exactly the same. Be very careful with the Doppler…I also got one for peace of mind but made myself sick with worry when I (predictably) couldn’t find the heartbeat early on. I think I could reliably find it at about 14 weeks. One day at a time xxx

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  4. Deep breaths, mama. I don’t know if you’ve ever done yoga breathing, but it is also called 10 count breathing. Count to ten as you inhale and count to ten as you exhale. The counting will help you focus on the breath (not the other crazy stuff that gets your mind going). This technique also helped me get to sleep during the last trimester of both my pregnancies when the anxiety of labor would keep me up at night. You got this.

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