These past few days I am struggling with my thoughts and feelings.
I don’t know where I belong. I no longer have anything to contribute to or any information to glean from my infertility groups. I feel straight up unwelcome at times. As though I have not suffered enough, as though getting “p” is all it takes to be pushed out of that support system when getting p is actually a terrifying event for a woman with recurrent pregnancy loss.
My pregnancy after loss group is somewhat helpful but oddly the most active members are women who are well past 20 weeks pregnant. It’s hard to relate.
This weekend I started to tailspin when on Sunday I realized I hadn’t had nausea or indigestion on Saturday, so I tested on some Wondfos and my test line was a shade lighter than the control line (it’s never gotten darker even though on First Response tests the control line is a little wisp of a thing) and I convinced myself something was terribly wrong. Also I woke up at 3:30 am with insomnia, instead of being exhausted, so I was in a desperate horrible state. I managed to convince myself everything is terribly wrong and I couldn’t get out of bed all day.
Never mind that exhaustion hit and I had to nap all morning and my hip and back aches from my growing uterus hit me hard, followed by mild indigestion, and my Wondfos were taken after peeing three times in the night and thus not really an accurate indicator. I can no longer go 4 hours without urinating so I need to stop testing.
I keep thinking back to the heartbeat only being 122/bpm and I feel worry and fear, even though 122/bpm is normal, good even, for 6w5d.
I consider this to be the most pregnant I’ve ever been, since the time I made it to 9 weeks the baby measured 6 weeks and I knew something was wrong for weeks before it ended. Last night I ordered a home doppler to try to hear heartbeat even though I know it’s much too soon and I have a fat stomach so it will be extra difficult.
On the edge of my seat until my third ultrasound on Wednesday. I’ll be 7w6d. Please please please let things be normal.