It’s Not A Zero Sum Game (and p Update)

Having a baby isn’t a zero sum game. So why is it then when I see other women falling pregnant do I think, if she gets her baby I may not get mine? As though, if 1 if 4 must miscarry (and this is closer to 1 in 5 if you exclude chemical pregnancies) then I must be that “1” as I have been in the past. But then when women miscarry, I also think, if she lost her baby, I can lose mine. Being pregnant after loss is a real shit show, and this isn’t my first shit show, but the stakes seem so high this time.

My second beta more than tripled, doubling in 28 hours, from 183 to 664 on 15 DPO. I went for my third beta yesterday and my hCG was 1810, so it doubled in 33 hours. That’s higher than average for twins, or triplets even. So that’s the good news. The bad news is that the message board rabbit hole has led me to know that this is indicative of a molar pregnancy, Down’s Syndrome, blighted ovum, or a female fetus. Um, ok.

The good news is that my hCG levels looks like I can probably rule out molar pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy, and chemical pregnancy. I look forward to my ultrasound truly ruling those out, as well as blighted ovum. Nothing scares me like a blighted ovum, though molar would be worse. The other good news is that the studies I’ve found show that my hCG levels at these DPOs indicate a high chance of take home baby.

I have my fourth blood draw tomorrow at 19 dpo and then we schedule the ultrasound. I hope to be able to rule out things like molar, ectopic, blighted ovum, then hope that the yolk sac, fetal pole, and heart beat are what they should be. After that, we need to worry about the survival of said yolk sac, etc. and continuing to measure on time, and then making it to the Harmony test between 11 and 14 weeks. Lots of milestones to hit in the next few months.

I’ve been spending time on the pregnancy forums which I keep returning to and leaving with each pregnancy. I forgot how triggery they are. There are women who are on baby #5 or #6 with zero losses and I just spiral off into a world of “wtf” and self-pity. Then there are women two weeks ahead of me who are already miscarrying and I go into a negative head space of ifherthenwhynotmeifherthenwhynotme? On one thread about pregnancy after loss, the women pregnant with hopeful rainbows were commiserating and one pregnant woman who has previous children and zero losses felt the need to tell us that pregnancy is super scary for all women, not just the ones with loss. Um, fuck off, lady. I say that kindly.

This p is already different from the others, as in, no blood, no gushing blood, no spotting, no pitiful beta levels, and I have waves of nausea! I never had any morning sickness before, not even at 9 weeks, and I thought that was genetic because my mother and sister never had it either, but here I am, with very mild waves of nausea.

I will never be able to view this p the way non-loss people do, though. That is clear to me. When I see that some women are announcing to their families at 6 weeks pregnant, (6 WEEKS!) because their previous pregnancy went off without a hitch, it’s a sad reminder that so many of us have lost that innocence and wonder.