I can feel myself easing into the first stages of depression. My body is a tense knot of anxiety. I have forsaken the fucking fertility diet for the time being that I just am so tired of thinking about. I’m still taking my pills, and tracking my cycles, and trying to make a baby from having sex. I stopped reading all my groups. I am withdrawing into myself. I don’t care about what bullshit so-and-so random woman I’ve never seen post before is going through with her four retrieved eggs. Not angry, just not caring. I avoid everyone but my husband.
Instead I now have a litany of other problems cycling through my mind, as though I just woke up from a fertility obsession to recall all of my other woes.
And on Monday I got a positive ovulation test and then my temp dipped and I felt so happy because WOW, I was ovulating on CD 13! What a miracle, I haven’t ovulated at an appropriate time since last November, and I have all this faith I’ll get pregnant this time. And then my temp kept dipping and dipping and I started spotting, way more than what ovulation spotting should look like, not that I’ve ever had ovulation spotting, because it is my period starting. I’ll probably get my full flow tomorrow, on cycle day 16. And that means that my cycle day 3 will be on Sunday so I get to see that horrible security guard at my clinic again.
And also, that IVF # 2 will start sooner than I thought.
Sometimes I can’t remember why I am doing all of this.