I pour over old medical records. When exactly did I become infertile? My right ovary was 3.5 mL over a year ago. A menopausal ovary is 2.8 mL on average. Right.
When did my AMH drop? I’ll never know. My body is a mystery to me and to my doctors but they aren’t nearly as interested in solving this puzzle as I am. Is it just a coincidence that my cycles became irregular the month I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve? I will never know.
Sometimes I force myself to retrospectively evaluate the signs I ignored out of ignorance. It makes me uncomfortable to think about it, but my libido took a hard downturn in the last three years. In the same time I started regularly having horrible night sweats, waking up dripping, thinking I wasn’t adjusting well to temperature changes, or used the wrong bedding. I have been joking that I have hot flashes for at least five years.
I know I am not menopausal, and I may not be in menopause for some time, but something happened to my hormone levels when I wasn’t paying attention, and no one tells women in their early 30s to look for these signs.
For the most part, I have stopped these long trips down the rabbit hole of research and investigation. No more late nights with burning tearing eyes, staring into my dying cellphone screen, looking for the secret salvation. My husband and I have come to peace with donor eggs. I knew it was time when I found myself feeling envious of women pregnant with their donor egg babies.
If I were producing eggs, even one, that could be retrieved and fertilized and transferred, this decision would be much more difficult. I’d want to keep chasing the golden egg. But my body made the decision for us. And really, I don’t want to keep doing this. I have been waiting almost four years to have children.
We are doing a mini-IVF cycle in October. Femara, Menopur, Ganirelix. I do not have hope for this cycle, but I do not feel sad about it, either.
I took this obligatory picture of my IVF medication, and thought it would be funny to gussy it up with flowers and lemons, the way that so many of us try to make IVF cutesy with glittery pineapple socks or whatever. I laughed so hard when I took this picture but I think the end result looks sincere and also crazy.
In the meantime, my diet is out of whack some days, but I am continuing with my supplements, oil packs, essential oils, meditation, and disgusting tea and pomegranate juice, just because.
Current plan: try on our own this cycle, mini-IVF next cycle, HSG to verify tubes are open, try on our own until we are ready for donor eggs, likely in the beginning of 2018. I still have a little voice that says, what if I have endometriosis? Shouldn’t I find a doctor who will do an exploratory lap surgery? I don’t know. I have no symptoms, just paranoia.