I finally did it. I left my Facebook support groups, except for my DOR and Donor Egg groups. Bye, bitches! Well, they weren’t all bitches. But this morning I saw a post from a woman who just transferred one of her many PGS normal embryos and got a strong positive before her beta, and oh yeah, this was her first IVF cycle, and now her life is just a la-di-da fairytale, and I don’t need this shit anymore. How the hell is it my job to “be positive” and support these internet strangers when none of them can even relate to me?
That’s the sad truth about Infertility Island. We’re all on this island but we’re not getting off the same way.
I feel like there are things we’re not supposed to say on Infertility Island, like if we prefer one gender over another. But I just want to say it. I want to have a daughter more than anything. Right now an Infertile Woman of Judgement somewhere is crying out, “I’d be blessed to have any healthy baby! How dare anyone not be thrilled with either one?” And I would love to have a baby, but I’d be extra happy to have a daughter.
My mother left when I was nine years old and I saw her one more time four years later. Our relationship now (which is just a Facebook connection) is stiff and uncomfortable as it is apparent she has no desire to be a part of my life. She RSVP’d NO to my wedding. It’s worth noting here that it’s personal. She didn’t choose to be a bad mother, she chose to be a bad mother just to me and my older brother, because she took my older sister with her and now lives with her across the country and cares for her children and they are all thick as thieves. Good for them.
So I want a daughter. I want to be a good mother to my daughter (and son! I am not a son hater!) My mother role models are usually movie based matriarchs who are pillars of wisdom, guidance, and motherly friendship to their adult daughters. I’ve always seen that and thought, I want that. And I can’t have it, but I can be that. I have friends who adore their mothers and they are close and I want to ask, What is the secret? How did your mother raise you so well. Nice normal families must exist out there and I can make one of them, even if I can’t learn from the family I was born into.
There are women out there who have a mother to do things like go wedding dress shopping, pick out college classes, teach them how to wear makeup, or not wear makeup, how to do their hair, etc. I want to be that kind of mother. My father taught me how to spackle drywall, use a drill, and loathe myself, so the wedding dress shopping experience with my mother who would love me unconditionally was what I yearned for.
I think my nonexistent relationship with my mother and my broken relationship with my father is what makes it easier for me to not feel connected to my genes. My hesitations about donor egg are not because I won’t be passing on my genetic material. Fuck my genetic material and the horse it rode in on. My family has great health, we’re mostly smart, at least average attractive overall, and only some of us are fat (like me), but we have some really rotten human beings in our bunch. My hesitations about donor eggs have always been about the child. Would my donor egg conceived child feel robbed of a genetic connection? What if I should have just tried harder with my own eggs to give that to my child?
I mean, I’m still trying but it’s going to be okay if it doesn’t work.