Yesterday I stuck to my stupid gluten free dairy free blah blah blah and got on the treadmill and ate some brazil nuts and pineapple core, and then I put in my progesterone, got in bed, and fell asleep to my fertility meditation.
Friday is my WTF appointment with Dr. M.
I am going to ask about using growth hormone, continuing to stim even if no follicles are growing, and if she still thinks I have a 40% chance with my own eggs. I am going to make it clear that we want to keep trying, whether it’s mini-IVF or an antagonist cycle. I am going to ask if I should have a hysteroscopy and HSG just to make sure we’re 100% good to try on our own indefinitely if we have to. Also, we’re going to ask if she’s thinking about donor eggs for us yet.
Because I want to get the fuck off of Infertility Island. Now.
I long to have a baby so badly. I’ve even been thinking about going back to acupuncture because everyone says it works. Here I am, falling for something I’ve already tried. That’s true desperation.
I’ve said it again but I need to exhaust all roads to using my own eggs before moving on. Should we need donor eggs, I (not my husband yet), am at peace with that, but not until I am confident I’ve removed all “What Ifs?” from the equation. And besides, my eggs may still work. So I had my crash and burn month where I angrily ate pizza and stopped working out, and now I am back to making efforts, but it’s a little more jaded.
I’ve gone from cautious optimism, to rage-grief, to hopeful cynicism.
My husband and I also thought about switching clinics, which I cannot do until I switch health insurance in January (if I switch) and my health insurance situation is convoluted and atypical so it would present challenges that I don’t currently have. For example, if I switch health insurance, I’d no longer be able to use my general practitioner or OBGYN. That’s not a huge deal, but they are a half a mile from my office at the university clinic which is nice. I’d also no longer be able to get my fertility meds at my pharmacy, which always has them in stock and packs them in a bag for me to pick up on the way home from work. So convenient.
But switching would allow me to choose another fertility clinic. But that is something we’re not sure is necessary or even a good idea. If I could produce eggs maybe I’d see the where there was room for improvement, but my clinic has a 78% success rate with fresh donor egg IVF cycles so they probably have a great embryology lab. It’s the best rate in the state and one of the best in the country. I know that’s not a 78% success rate for me personally, but it’s a bonus point for sticking with my clinic. Anyway, we have four more months to decide.
I want to be pregnant so badly, and by pregnant I mean in the second trimester, post genetic blood tests, with no complications and little chance of failure. I just want to be the happy pregnant woman for once. When I was pregnant last summer, my feet swelled up so badly I had to wear flip flops and stretchy flats (my blood pressure was great though) and I was so elated that I had proof that I was pregnant that I could just look at all day.