I emailed Dr. J, my traditional Chinese medicine doc, and told her I needed a break from acupuncture because the cycle got cancelled. She responded, “Why did it get cancelled? For what reason?” I wrote back explaining why. No response from her after that. No nothing. WTF?
I feel like ever since my cycle cancellation I see women left and right raising their AMH and antral follicle counts with supplements and acupuncture. They all claim supplements and acupuncture work. No. They. Don’t. If they worked, I wouldn’t be saying this right now. It’s just dumb luck. Or they smugly insist that I should have done their keto diet (I am very against keto) because that’s what worked for them! Even though they have no proof that’s what worked. Of course I’m still on my supplements hoping for a miracle, and I may return to acupuncture at a later time, again, hoping for a miracle, because I need to feel like I’m doing everything I can, but it’s just like life.
As with everything else in life, some people get lucky and blessed with an easy road. Some people work so damn hard and get nowhere. A smaller percentage work so damn hard and actually are able to change their path against the odds. Some people work so damn hard and then get lucky, and attribute their success to their hard work. This last group is the one that causes the most trouble for the rest of us. “Don’t give up ladies, sometimes it just requires a lot of work!”
All week I’ve been off my diet (but still making healthy choices at least) and avoiding the treadmill. Sometimes I panic thinking that I am ruining my eggs. Hah. That ship has sailed.
I know it seems like it’s too soon for me to be this jaded, but my two IUI cycles were with injectables, too, and they were cancelled. I’ve never even heard of someone getting an IUI cancelled over lack of response. I searched “cancelled IUI” and found a bunch of women frustrated that they had so many darned follicles. Seriously. Even with crappy IVF cycles they can get converted to IUIs. I can’t even do an IUI. And recurrent pregnancy loss is a bitch, too. My first loss was nearly four years ago, so this might be my first IVF but somehow none of this feels new to me.
I spent all of 2014 wanting to try to have a baby but told we could not because of the two methotrexate doses depleting my folic acid. I didn’t even know yet I am homozygous C677T MTHFR and should not even be treated with methotrexate though the alternative for me was a hysterectomy. I spent 2015 reluctantly putting off TTC but tracking my cycles in preparation, still bursting into tears randomly over the ectopic pregnancy. I didn’t start out trying to conceive with hope and positivity. I started out with pain and denial that anything bad might happen. I reassured myself constantly that everything was okay as I lost pregnancy after pregnancy after pregnancy.
So yeah, I’m a little jaded even though I haven’t been through a lot of ART cycles. But seeing women go through worse than this is inspiring to me that I can do this, too.
Update: my best friend from childhood is named Alice. We grew apart over the years but kept in touch and still talk and get together. She was the maid of honor for her new best friend, Gloria. Gloria hates me, has called me a “fat bitch” and gets angry when Alice and I hang out. I didn’t have any bridesmaids when I got married for a multitude of reasons, but it was nice not having any, yet it felt sad to watch Alice be the best maid of honor EVER to Gloria, because she is an awesome friend. Now Alice’s other friend named Cheryl has been going through IVF as well because she has recurrent pregnancy loss because of a genetic issue causing one half of her male fetuses to miscarry. Since she was able to get eggs, get them fertilized, and get pregnant multiple times I was confident she’d be successful in IVF. Well I just got notification on Pinterest that Alice created a new board called “Cheryl’s Baby Shower” and she is planning the most amazing beautiful baby shower for her. Yay, Cheryl, IVF worked for you. Now I get to watch Alice do an amazing job making an amazing baby shower that I am not getting to have. It’s so strange, I keep checking back and looking at the page the way I’d look at pictures of an ex’s new girlfriend when I was younger.