Cycle got cancelled. We went in on Saturday morning, stims day 8, cycle day 13, and we were told that my endometrial lining was developing the triple stripe and was 6.8 mm (yay I have a decent uterus still) and that none of my follicles were at 10 mm yet. She did say that my left ovary now has two follicles, also, which puts me at four total. It’s a shame they can’t grow with the drugs so far, because it’d be great to go into retrieval with four, or at least more than two.
I got into an altercation with the security guard on the way out which kind of amplified the rage and grief I felt all weekend long. The building opens at 7 am, and we are allowed to go upstairs to the fertility clinic at 7:15. I got there at 7:12 am, behind four other couples, and we all had to wait downstairs. At 7:15 he turned to the first three people and said, “You three ladies may go upstairs.” I said, “I can go upstairs too now, right?” He replied, “You can’t go upstairs until 7:15.” So, I went upstairs and everyone else did, too. I got in line and some people thought I was “cutting” and freaked out and said it wasn’t fair they were there first and ushered everyone in front of me. I said, “Yes, of course, you are in front of me, but I’m not waiting downstairs.” They kept whispering angrily that I didn’t know it was first come first serve for follicle checks and blood draws, but of course I know that. I told them again I just wasn’t going to wait downstairs and they wouldn’t even make eye contact with me. They were ALL from my IVF class and were handing in their IVF consent forms, too, so were just starting out their cycles and maybe had not experienced a roller coaster of hell over their cycles, yet. I don’t know. It was surreal.
Back downstairs, after receiving news of no follicle growth, the security guard tried to reprimand me, repeating over and over that we can’t go upstairs until 7:15 am and that it’s first come first serve. I ended up yelling at him, “You have no idea what kind of day people are having when you talk to them!” and walked out of there.
It’s also worth noting at this point that the building is not just my fertility clinic, as odd as that sounds, it’s also several other medical offices for the university, which is why I wasn’t willing to put up with the security guard’s nonsense about waiting downstairs. The downstairs area is a lobby for all the medical offices. There’s no rule saying I can’t enter the fertility clinic upstairs once it’s open.
I spent my entire weekend napping, watching Netflix, and eating treats like soft cheeses from France with jam from a local farm and kettle corn and a Diet Coke. I also cried a lot and looked at donors and yelled at my abdomen and stressed out about the security guard possibly trying to get me banned from my clinic building.
I started out this cycle feeling so positive. I even ordered a cute shirt for retrieval day. After finding out my follicles weren’t growing at my first check, I knew it was all over, and I’ve been feeling insanely resentful of people in my online groups. Mostly people who don’t have DOR. “I only got 9 eggs!” Nope, I don’t feel sorry for you. “So bloated from stims!” I wish I was bloated from stims, because that would mean eggs.
After the cycle was cancelled, I find myself getting frustrated with my fellow DOR sisters, which is even worse. “Don’t lose hope, I only got two eggs per retrieval, and after five retrievals, got my son!” Huh? I am not even getting to retrieval or growing any eggs, so that doesn’t make me feel hopeful. “I took supplements and raised my antral follicle count!” Well, I took the same supplements and I didn’t raise my antral follicle count, so that’s nice for you.
I know I am not a terrible person though, because when I see someone’s IVF cycle failing, or a falling HCG, I feel upset and frustrated for that person. I don’t want anyone else to suffer; I am not a monster. I’m just feeling a lot of crazy feelings right now and I need to work through them. I keep the thoughts I have private and only offer support as I would want to be offered to me. I know I’m not a bad person. I just wish I didn’t feel so toxic inside.
My husband has decided to open his mind to donor eggs. We both want to keep trying IVF while also trying timed intercourse again, hoping for a miracle healthy egg. But I want to give it no more than 12 months before moving on, and he is willing to wait two years. All we can do is take it one cycle at a time and see where we stand. But we’re definitely not waiting two years if it comes to that.
I did quit acupuncture, though, because I need a break. I’m just going to do what feels right and I’ll return to acupuncture in the future if that feels right again. I’m going to continue with the supplements and try to stick to the diet, and continue to use non-toxic chemicals and all that.