Child Free Friends


(Cycle day 2, baseline ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow)

Two out of state friends visited last week and over the weekend so I have been very offline for a while. The two of them, Renata and Melissa, and our other friend who lives locally, Wendy, are my three closest friends from high school. All three of them are child free by choice. This is good and bad because I don’t feel the pain of being left behind as all my oldest friends have children, but bad because they also can’t relate to what I am going through so I avoid telling them any details.

Wendy has always said she doesn’t want children and that her dogs are her children. She is respectful and sympathetic to what she knows of my issues, but years ago, I recall her saying that couples who spend a ton of money on IVF are selfish for wanting to spread their genes and should just adopt if they really want kids. So yeah. That makes me not want to talk to her about my fertility even though she may not have that stupid opinion anymore.

Melissa has always said she didn’t want children, but I always thought she’d change her mind. She got married last year and her very wealthy mother has offered to help her financially if she has a child in order to pass on more of her considerable wealth without being taxed, and this has caused Melissa and her husband to reconsider children, i.e. they are going to start trying in a year. She doesn’t want to wait longer than a year because she is worried about declining fertility now that she’s 35 years old. Obviously, I understand that. Her doctor told her to he would like to check her ovarian reserve so that she had that information should she decide to have children and I appreciate that and wish someone wanted to check my ovarian reserve before I had so many losses. I don’t know if she’s going to have it checked, but at least she’s aware and I wish the best for her. That being said, if she has a baby before I do, I’ll be back here a total private wreck.

Renata has always said she doesn’t want children or to get married, and hates children and people with children because they are boring. She rails against children and babies so much that Melissa, her “bestie”, is afraid to tell Renata that she wants to have a baby now. Renata hides people on Facebook once they become pregnant and says parents are only allowed to post one picture a month or they get hidden again.

When I was in my twenties I knew 100% that I did not want children, but I always had a disclaimer that I was also 100% allowed to change my mind at any time. When I was nearing 30 I changed my mind. So, I understand not wanting children but I am not on board with the constant toxic nasty attitude.

Renata had an abortion six or seven years ago. Every single time I have seen her since then, she has brought it up. Sometimes in public she brings it up and shouts about it so others can hear. I think she’s trying to be provocative at times. She loudly announced it to my husband after her second time meeting him. Even after learning of my ectopic pregnancy and resulting trauma and pain, she continued to bring it up. I didn’t and don’t mind, as a pro-choice woman, but I am surprised that she wouldn’t be more sensitive. She just assumed I wouldn’t mind, and I think a lot of women with pregnancy loss or infertility would mind. She brought up that abortion so many times this past weekend it was surreal. At one point, she was going on and on about morning sickness and her food aversions and I snapped and said, “I’ve been pregnant four times. It’s luck of the draw who has morning sickness. Let’s move on.” That finally shut her up.

Her behavior is not surprising and is a reminder of why I distance myself from her so much. What was surprising was when she told us all she is taking a prenatal vitamin and keeping her body in the “best shape possible” so that she has the option of having a baby when she turns forty.

She actually said, “You have to wait until the end so you can get all of the time without a baby that you can, and have one at the last minute. And I’ll be able to because I work out and take a prenatal vitamin.”

I said, “It’s not about keeping in shape, it’s about your ovaries. They call the shots.” Then said something argumentative about her barre workouts and I recalled all the horrible things she’s said to me about fat people being lazy and fat by choice, and I decided, I’ll let her figure it out on her own. I’ve got my own shit to worry about.


1 thought on “Child Free Friends”

  1. May I politely say this Renata gal does not sound like a real peach :). I can see how them remaining child free so far is both good and bad. Glad you made it through the weekend. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

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