This past Sunday my husband and I did our all day intensive Fertile Heart workshop in Woodstock, NY. I am working on another post to talk about that experience, good and bad, and my takeaways from that, but I starting putting some of the tools into practice right away!
Last week was my IVF consult and Dr. M advised us to do fresh 3 day transfers. She doesn’t think we’ll get more than 2-3 eggs per cycle and she wants to put them all back, or in her words, “Go for it.” This sent me into a tailspin as my previous plan had been to grow to blast, PGS test, and bank. Of course, I knew 3 day fresh transfers were an option but it wasn’t an option I took seriously until she recommended it and suddenly I had choices I couldn’t make.
I settled on the idea of banking 3 day embryos. I’m in a very helpful Facebook group online for women with low AMH and diminished ovarian reserve, and the women in that group shared a lot of their own experiences with my exact dilemma and banking 3 day embryos seemed the best route. On Friday I emailed my doctor to ask if freezing 3 day embryos is an option.
On Monday I got the news that my clinic does not freeze 3 day embryos! Panic! I went to the group immediately and again, women with very poor ovarian response like mine shared their experiences with me. I talked it over with my husband and he said, “Let’s take a leap of faith and do 3 day fresh transfers.”
Until now, I’ve been filled with fear and panic over the unlikelihood of me having a good egg in the next cycle that will implant, of me not having enough eggs to bank cycles, of me not having any eggs produced at all, of me having a miscarriage.
Yesterday I decided that I do have good eggs, and I have to protect them and nourish them, and they are going to grow in one of these cycles, and they are going to fertilize and implant, and we are going to have a baby. I’ve started doing some mental imagery exercises, picturing a white glowing shield around my reproductive organs, shielding them from negative words, work stress, and anything else that might harm them.
I’ve started to make choices with my visionary, not my orphan (Fertile Heart terms) meaning that I cannot keep doing all of the things I am trying to do every day for ovarian health. That actually includes one of the Fertile Heart practices which is dream journaling. I hate doing it and I’m only doing it because I am afraid I have to and that ends now. I cannot soak my feet in a foot bath every night and I cannot do yoga and the treadmill every night. I actually worked out a schedule fitting in everything and it only allows for 6 hours of sleep a night.
So, that’s that. I have good eggs. I am protecting them and getting them ready for retrieval. It will happen. I must live in hope instead of fear right now because the fear is taking over. For my own mental health I must live in hope. I’ve been in fear for years and it has protected me from crushing blows but I need a break.
That being said, we did sign up for PGS testing should we miraculously get more than 3 embryos and we can grow out the extra for testing. I just got a call from the insurance coordinator and we are good to go, as soon as we move some money out of our savings (ugh).