I had a four day July 4th weekend because I took off Monday, and I strayed off the diet wagon. I’ve put on all of 4 pounds which is enough to send me into a mental tailspin. My metabolism is so shot that 1 cheat meal really sets me back a week. I also have strayed off the treadmill since I needed to replace my running shoes, then once I did that I’ve been extremely sick and spent Saturday and Sunday sleeping and then busy on Monday and Tuesday and too lazy to work out.
So, it’s not just about the weight, I am also trying to eat a healthier diet to try to improve egg quality. I’ve stopped eating gluten, dairy, refined sugars, caffeine, alcohol, anything fried in vegetable oil, and artificial sweeteners. I also generally don’t eat red meat, nitrates, and most processed foods. When I mess up it’s a little diet soda here, a little gluten there, maybe something fried. It’s not like I’m eating fried Twinkies topped with ice cream. But it’s messing with my head and I hate that I am not doing the best I can for my eggs.
Lately I have been looking into the extra mile I can go for egg quality and general fertility health. I take an ungodly number of supplements, I drink fertility smoothies, I attempt to stick to the aforementioned diet, I drink probiotic drinks, I do acupuncture, Chinese herbs, and when I remember, castor oil packs, self-fertility massage with essential fertility oils, and guided fertility meditations. I don’t touch receipts, I eliminated what little BPA I had in my house, I stopped using perfume and switched to all unscented and EWG approved toiletries and cosmetics.
Now on top of that, I am doing morning dream journals as instructed prior to my Fertile Heart workshop in two weeks, and tonight I am switching out my shower curtain liner from a phthalate filled PVC thing to a nice safe cloth one. I’ve stocked up on sleepy time socks to keep my feet warm while I sleep and also got a foot bath to do foot soaks as my TCM doctor has advised me to keep my feet warm.
I am starting to feel overwhelmed with all of the things that I have to keep up with and remember to do, even when I don’t feel like doing them (while working full time, maintaining my home, and getting on the treadmill!) I know that maybe this isn’t all necessary and yet I don’t want to have the fear of the “what if?”
At yesterday’s July 4th picnic, my husband let it slip to my father that we have an upcoming IVF consult. When I found out, at the picnic, I wanted to scream. How do you put the cat back in the bag once it’s out?? I was so upset with my husband. While I know that our fertility journey is ours, there’s some aspect of this that is MINE. And he is allowed to tell his family anything he wants. I also have one family member and one friend I am sharing things with. Generally, I am not sharing this with people because I don’t want everyone waiting around each IVF cycle wanting updates. I want to share things when I am ready.
I specifically do not want to share this with my father and his wife because my father has said some rude things in the past to my husband about my miscarriages. He has suggested in the past that maybe it’s because of my weight (sigh), or maybe because I drank Diet Coke prior to the pregnancy (oh really?) And I don’t want his input, uneducated opinions, and ill-informed advice. He has some boundary issues where he seems to think that he gets a say in my life, marriage, and home. So, I was pissed off at my husband for a minute at the picnic, trying to privately tell him that he is not to talk to my father about this stuff, and I can see my dad trying to listen in! My father only has hearing in one ear and has a hearing aid, so he has to read lips, and he kept staring straight at me while I spoke trying to read my lips! I finally had to yell to him to stop and he got the hint.
My father also is a blabbermouth. If he knows we are having an IVF consult, so do his four brothers and two sisters and my one cousin he speaks to. I know this because they all somehow know about my past miscarriages and they all seem to think it’s because I am so unhealthy. Yeah, he blames me. Also, my father tends to make up cruel things about me to make himself feel better, and spreads that around the family. For example, my father has not always had enough money and has some compulsive spending habits. So, he has convinced everyone in our extended family that I have extreme spending issues, my husband and I eat out at expensive restaurants every night, we waste money on home projects, and we don’t have a budget or savings. He’s constantly remarking on my husband’s “expensive suits” which my husband actually spends an embarrassingly small amount of money on. I’ve had family members ask if I am still eating out every night and he responds, “Yes.” (Witnessed by my brother.) If I had actually been eating out every night, how would he know I am continuing this fictitious behavior?? My cousin has also alluded to my alleged spending problems.
The crazy thing is, we are super private about money. No one knows how much we make or save or spend, but the truth is, we live on a budget, not because we have to but because I like to budget. We save every week with a savings account, and we don’t vacation or buy luxury vehicles even though we can. I don’t call that wasting money. We have the money put aside for PGS testing and the four FETS I’d have to pay for after my insurance runs out on IVF. We are continuing to save because we might need more than four IVF cycles. I feel stupid even typing this out, like I need to justify anything, but I am frustrated. My mother has been out of the picture for most of my life so it’s not like I have any parent I can really talk to. I shouldn’t have to be afraid of what I reveal to my own father but I am.
It makes me feel sad because I know that he loves me and he wants to support me but sometimes he forgets how to do that.