Desperate Times Call For Desperate Purchases

If I ever have a child, I will know I worked for that child. I will have worked so hard. Every mile on the treadmill, every time I turn down normal food everyone else is eating, every research study I read, every dollar I save for IVF costs, the meditations, the needles, you get the picture. All my sisters on IF Island get the picture!

When I pass by a woman on the street with a baby, I instinctively think, How did you get that baby? Was it like so many couples I know who have children? Just bumping along life – oops! Hey, we’re going to have a baby! Or was it like so many other couples I know? Deciding to have a baby and then promptly having one, the way one would order a pizza?

Was getting a take home baby easier for them than buying a house? I remember my pizza ordering style fertile cousin telling me that buying a house was the most complicated thing she’d ever done, and this was after having two promptly ordered babies (and an MBA.)

In two days I get weighed in to find out if I can schedule an IVF consult. I am 5 pounds under my IVF weight, but I was 9 pounds under (damn you, kid’s birthday parties) and now I am nervous about not making weight again.

All of this waiting around between cycles is hard on me. I’m going to need some tips from the IVF veterans on this one. I’m a proactive planner type person. When we bought a house, we looked at 30 houses. We narrowed it down to six final contenders and I cataloged photos and made a spreadsheet comparing every single detail about each house, neighborhood, and school district. Now that I’ve made a spreadsheet like this comparing IVF clinics, and cataloged all of my supplements, fertility smoothie ingredients, organized all my fertility treatment documents and books on infertility, I need to DO SOMETHING damnit.

I bought an Ava bracelet. I’ve wanted one for a long time and I got a $40 referral code, but it seems silly since we’re not trying naturally anymore. My husband is quite against the idea of trying naturally as he wants to avoid another miscarriage at any cost. But I wanted the bracelet tracker and he didn’t see the harm in it. I hope to be able to predict my cycles now that they have gone from textbook regular to nonsensical. I take my basal temperature every morning for Dr. J my TCM, and she never understands them because they look like jagged mountains. Some mornings I forget, some mornings I lie awake for a few minutes before I remember to take it, some mornings I wake up before my alarm. Also, more evidence that I am now ovulating really late every cycle might convince Dr. M not to cancel my next cycle if she sees that my eggs do grow, they just need more time. Maybe that’s a long shot.

I also signed up for the Fertile Heart workshop by Julia Indichova in Woodstock, NY. It’s only a two hour drive, I’ve read Inconceivable and I am starting The Fertile Female now. Part of me feels embarrassed, like I just signed up for a scam. Isn’t everyone out to make a dollar? The infertility business has got to be huge.

I have three overwhelming thoughts about these things right now.

  1. Where there is money to be made, someone will make money. If there are desperate people willing to part with their money, someone will take advantage.
  2. I have a hard time not actively trying to do something in between actually actively trying to do things.
  3. Leave no stone unturned. Leave no opportunity behind and try everything that seems reasonably reputable because what if that actually makes a difference?

13 thoughts on “Desperate Times Call For Desperate Purchases”

  1. You are doing so much for your future baby- what an amazing mother you have already shown to be. The in between waiting is the worst. I would do what you are doing and focus on anything I can control that will help (diet, excercise, supplements, etc). Thinking of you and sending you a hug.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel the same way as you about leaving no stone unturned and trying everything. That’s probably why I have a cabinet full of about 30 different vitamin supplements I’ll never use and two trips to the ER in March for taking said vitamins and my body reacting violently against them.

    I feel like infertility can just suck the personality out of you, if you’re like me and you just monofocus until you solve the problem. It’s easy to lose who you were before this whole mess began.

    Praying for you to “make weight.” It’s so frustrating to be constantly saddled with one more possible reason to blame ourselves. YOU CAN DO THIS.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your support! I can totally do this! Infertility has totally taken over my brain and life and I am obsessive and have repetitive thought patterns so this is just my new normal!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I LOVE the metaphors about how for some people getting baby is as easy as ordering pizza. So spot on. I’ve made a lot of purchases that I’m ashamed to admit because I feel like people are making money off of my desperation. The most recent one was $1300 for a 16-week fertility coach course. I never spend that much on an impulse purchase, let alone for something infertility-related. I did learn a lot from the course. But I feel ashamed that I bought it. There’s a couple others. Oh – the “fertility consultation” (retail value $95) that I bought a year ago. See how well that went. Still not pregnant! Some days I really think the only way I’ll get pregnant is through IVF. But I do know miracles happen. I’m holding hope for you. Please be encouraged.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That makes me feel a lot better! But you know, I love to learn and I want to know as much as I can about everything and look into every possibility because while some people just prefer to trust the doctors, I know that me having a baby is not an actual life priority to anyone but me (and husband), so I don’t feel like I can let go of any control/knowledge I can get.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It makes me feel better than I’m not the only one dropping money on this quest for baby! Me, too, about learning! I don’t trust all doctors for the reason you state. You’re absolutely right about the baby being a life priority outside of ourselves. I don’t blindly trust doctors. I’ve gone through 6 opinions on my thyroid. We are own best advocates, and no one else. It’s good to be informed and to take control of the situation as much as we can (because a lot of infertility is out of our control).

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so far off from a BMI as low as 20! Isn’t it awful that so many of us have to struggle to get our bodies and health in the right condition in order to continue the struggle for having a child?

      Liked by 1 person

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