If I ever have a child, I will know I worked for that child. I will have worked so hard. Every mile on the treadmill, every time I turn down normal food everyone else is eating, every research study I read, every dollar I save for IVF costs, the meditations, the needles, you get the picture. All my sisters on IF Island get the picture!
When I pass by a woman on the street with a baby, I instinctively think, How did you get that baby? Was it like so many couples I know who have children? Just bumping along life – oops! Hey, we’re going to have a baby! Or was it like so many other couples I know? Deciding to have a baby and then promptly having one, the way one would order a pizza?
Was getting a take home baby easier for them than buying a house? I remember my pizza ordering style fertile cousin telling me that buying a house was the most complicated thing she’d ever done, and this was after having two promptly ordered babies (and an MBA.)
In two days I get weighed in to find out if I can schedule an IVF consult. I am 5 pounds under my IVF weight, but I was 9 pounds under (damn you, kid’s birthday parties) and now I am nervous about not making weight again.
All of this waiting around between cycles is hard on me. I’m going to need some tips from the IVF veterans on this one. I’m a proactive planner type person. When we bought a house, we looked at 30 houses. We narrowed it down to six final contenders and I cataloged photos and made a spreadsheet comparing every single detail about each house, neighborhood, and school district. Now that I’ve made a spreadsheet like this comparing IVF clinics, and cataloged all of my supplements, fertility smoothie ingredients, organized all my fertility treatment documents and books on infertility, I need to DO SOMETHING damnit.
I bought an Ava bracelet. I’ve wanted one for a long time and I got a $40 referral code, but it seems silly since we’re not trying naturally anymore. My husband is quite against the idea of trying naturally as he wants to avoid another miscarriage at any cost. But I wanted the bracelet tracker and he didn’t see the harm in it. I hope to be able to predict my cycles now that they have gone from textbook regular to nonsensical. I take my basal temperature every morning for Dr. J my TCM, and she never understands them because they look like jagged mountains. Some mornings I forget, some mornings I lie awake for a few minutes before I remember to take it, some mornings I wake up before my alarm. Also, more evidence that I am now ovulating really late every cycle might convince Dr. M not to cancel my next cycle if she sees that my eggs do grow, they just need more time. Maybe that’s a long shot.
I also signed up for the Fertile Heart workshop by Julia Indichova in Woodstock, NY. It’s only a two hour drive, I’ve read Inconceivable and I am starting The Fertile Female now. Part of me feels embarrassed, like I just signed up for a scam. Isn’t everyone out to make a dollar? The infertility business has got to be huge.
I have three overwhelming thoughts about these things right now.
- Where there is money to be made, someone will make money. If there are desperate people willing to part with their money, someone will take advantage.
- I have a hard time not actively trying to do something in between actually actively trying to do things.
- Leave no stone unturned. Leave no opportunity behind and try everything that seems reasonably reputable because what if that actually makes a difference?