That moment when you lose 42 pounds and no one notices except for the three people you explicitly told you were trying to lose weight. Yup, I’m five pounds below my clinic’s requirement BMI for IVF! And with 13 days to go until my weight check, I hope to lose more to compensate for the fact that I always weigh more at the doctor’s office after drinking water and wearing clothes (and sometimes eating a meal.) To be fair, my husband can also tell I’ve lost weight, but he knows my body so well he could pick out one square inch of my thigh from a lineup.
So that’s 42 pounds since my highest ever weight, which was when I miscarried 11 months ago. It’s 32 pounds since I found out I have diminished ovarian reserve and I realized I might need IVF. It’s 10 pounds less than I weighed when I got married, but it’s the weight I was when I bought my wedding dress (wedding prep for me included weight gain.)
I’m still about 50 lb above where I feel best about myself. This is the first time, though, that I am losing any weight without counting calories, which I have to continue to resist doing because it tends to trigger major disordered eating behaviors for me. There was a time when calorie counting ruled my life – not anymore.
Maybe more importantly, this week I found out I have not been utilizing SART reports as well as I could have. I never realized you could filter data by diagnosis. I created a spreadsheet comparing 2014 and preliminary 2015 numbers for patients with diminished ovarian reserve, and it actually changed my mind against U fertility clinic. I now not only feel more confident about my clinic (Y), but I discovered another very conveniently located clinic that I had previously discounted that I will refer to as R. (Why am I trying to be anonymous? I have no idea.)
I still have things I dislike about Y. When I am able to change my health insurance policy next year, I may do that so I can go to R clinic. I want to have a consult there first and see what I think, but they have all of the resources that I liked about U, they have a large number of cycles a year about U (which can be good and bad), and they are in a good location with several branches. They also have a doctor who specializes in diminished ovarian reserve, which U does not have. I had previously not considered them because there was a review that said they are out to get all of your insurance money. That is definitely a concern but I am out to get a baby and they have good numbers, especially with DOR cases. U did not have good DOR numbers. In fact U has twice the number of cycles overall per year than Y, but half as many DOR cycles. That doesn’t make sense to me. Obviously they don’t take the hardest cases. R has the same number of cycles per year as U, but the same or more number of DOR cycles as Y.
What surprised me the most is that I looked up the numbers for DOR cycles for Center for Human Reproduction as well as Sher’s clinic in NYC, and their numbers are not as impressive as I expected. CCRM, on the other hand, seems the place to be, though I can’t imagine us going to Colorado at this point.
I am lucky that my insurance covers four rounds of IVF. If I can do embryo banking, that means four retrievals, and then we’ll have to pay for the freezing, PGS, and transfers. If that doesn’t work and our savings is wiped out, we have a 401k we can use to pay for maybe another three retrievals, freezing, PGS, and transfers, before we have to get an IVF loan. I have to make backup plans for backup plans to assure myself, and I am lucky I get to make any plans. I have made peace that I am not going to get to remodel my kitchen or go on vacation. I have made peace that this might take years and years and more than a few rounds. The waiting and not knowing is starting to eat at me, though.