Lately I am struggling with a bout of “why me?” and feeling hopeless. I so rarely have cried over my infertility and pregnancy losses, and I don’t feel like I have suffered even though I have. Even the day I literally physically miscarried at 9 week pregnant I went to work a full day and kept telling myself, “You are a badass bitch” whenever I thought I couldn’t get through it.
There are so many women in my groups who have suffered through infertility and then have one IVF cycle and bam! They are pregnant. And just like that their journey is over. They have the happy ending. They don’t assume they will miscarry, and then they don’t miscarry, and they have a happy normal pregnancy. It doesn’t make me feel hopeful about myself. It doesn’t make me feel bitter about them; it makes me feel bitter about ME. Don’t even get me started on all the women I know who planned to have babies at this specific time exactly two years apart and then they did precisely that with not a single obstacle or delay. Again, not bitter about them, but bitter about my lot in life.
I don’t want to be told to be grateful for anything, because I already am. I just want to be able to feel my feelings of worry and fear. Sometimes I feel left out, or left behind. In one aspect, I am lucky though because my group of female friends are primarily not interested in ever having children for various reasons, and that helps. They are also not that sympathetic, possibly unrelated.
But when I see the women in my groups online planning their pregnancy announcement to their husbands, I feel so sad. I won’t ever be doing any cute announcement to my husband because after four losses, a positive pregnancy test means nothing to us. The last time I got one, we hugged and then weren’t even shocked when I got my period. There’s nothing relieving or exciting in my future unless I can get pregnant and get far enough into the pregnancy that I feel it’s safe to feel happy – and that may never happen.
I resent that the wonder and innocence of getting pregnant has been taken away from me – and that goes for the women who got pregnant from one IVF cycle, too. I know it wasn’t easy for them and I know they aren’t worry-free and they feel the same way I do. I just want to feel like my mountain is surmountable. But I can do it.