We’re not even trying to get pregnant naturally this cycle after the cancelled IUI. I was thinking, why bother risking it when my eggs probably bad anyway? But I would have tried if my husband wanted to. I asked him and he feels the same way I do. How sad is that?

I keep reading about these natural miracle BFPs that women with DOR have and I don’t understand. How are they all having healthy babies? I’ve had those natural BFPs and they were all losses because my damn eggs are rotten. How do these women just get a positive pregnancy test and celebrate like everything is suddenly okay? Why do they end up having babies and I don’t?

Seeing other infertile women have successful pregnancies does not give me hope. How could it? Almost none of them have the same cause of infertility that I do, and most of the ones who do don’t have as low AMH as I do. My follicles didn’t even respond to Follistim. That’s not normal. So seeing a woman with PCOS or endometriosis or a blocked tube have a baby is great but it doesn’t make me feel better about my situation at all. I will never be able to feel joy over a BFP of my own again.

I took a PreIVF prediction test at univfy.com. Probability of having a baby in one cycle: 19%. Two cycles: 34.5%. Three cycles: 46.9%. “85% of women have success rates higher than yours.” Sometimes I just want to skip to donor eggs. I don’t want to suffer anymore. I just want my baby.

I’m losing hope. I’m running on empty these days. I have no energy and no drive. I go to my acupuncture sessions like dentist appointments. I lapsed in my fertility self-massage and meditation. Sometimes I can’t remember why I’m doing this anymore and I wonder if I should stop. I know my diagnosis is still new but my first loss was over three years ago and I thought the heartache would be over by now. I should be on maternity leave, right now, taking care of my baby daughter.

 

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