Coming of Age on Infertility Island

meds

I picked up my meds for my upcoming IUI! Since the first time I saw a picture like this of fertility meds, I’ve wanted to take one of my own. That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard, right? Well, I wasn’t always this way.

I have read this phrase “infertility island” repeatedly, and the earliest source I can find for this phrase is from 2004. While my official diagnosis of DOR came just this year, I can’t help but feel like I’m no stranger to Infertility Island. My first foray fertility ended in my horrific ectopic pregnancy. In the weeks leading up to the end of that pregnancy, I found myself deep in TTC (trying to conceive) and infertility message boards online. I remember not knowing what DPO (days post ovulation) or HCG meant. During the year we tried to conceive, we always identified with the infertile since we had recurrent pregnancy loss, and the result is the same: no take home baby.

Since I could clearly get pregnant, though, I always thought, “At least I’ll never need an IUI, though, I’m so glad we won’t need IVF!” To this day, I don’t feel like those women who just want to see a positive pregnancy test, since I’ve seen a lot, and they amounted to nothing.

I knew someone who’d dealt with infertility for a little over a year, had 1 failed IUI, and then was successful on the first IVF. For years I thought of this as a most brutal infertility experience. It is brutal. I still think that. But I also view it through a different lens. Now that I am looking down the barrel of a grim prognosis for IVF with my own eggs ever being successful, I’m actually hoping for a story like hers.

This makes me feel like I am veering into this territory placing a hierarchy on infertility suffering, as described here, but I’m not. I do find this blog post really interesting, though. It’s hard to not compare myself to others when I’m on Infertility Island. And it’s not like I want to be here, or that I want to suffer the most. I feel like I have finally come of age in my infertility journey. We’re doing IUI this next cycle and then IVF the next cycle. We’re actually doing something now, instead of counting the miscarriages, and timed intercourse with tracking with BBTs and OPKs and supplements and special lube and killing time until we can find out what’s wrong. Of course, what we’re doing is most peoples’ last stops on the infertility train since my ovaries functioning like they’re 6 years older than they are.

I’ve just seen so many photo montage videos that start out with piles of medications like this and end up with a baby (or two!) that I can’t help but get my hopes up.

 

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