This infertility journey is the most difficult and most painful thing I have ever gone through.
When I was younger I handled poverty, abuse, abandonment, and failure, and I always saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Even when there was no light, I thought there’d eventually be one, and maybe that has to do with the hubris of youth or the feeling of endless possibilities.
Now I see no light at the end of this tunnel and I am still going. That is scary and that is difficult. Last night I got an email update on my latest lab numbers and my AMH fell to below .03. I drove home from work barely conscious of my surroundings. It makes me wonder if something I am doing is wrong. I know that AMH isn’t supposed to vary like FSH does, but I was still hopeful that within a month I’d done enough to raise it, even by one one-hundredth. I also found out my estradiol is 95 and my FSH is 2.2. My lab results state these are normal results, but Google says otherwise. My next appointment is on February 28 so I’ll find out then. I also hope to find out the results of my Fertilome genetic test.
When I got home last night I also saw in my email that the egg donor agency I signed up for sent me a donor profile they thought may be a match for me. I don’t think it’s a sign because I don’t believe in signs, but this egg donor has my same height and hair color (both uncommon), and similar eye and mouth shape, and it made me feel really good. For the first time I felt like maybe I could have a baby using a donor egg and still feel like that baby is mine. I know that donor conceived babies are their parents’ babies, just like I know adopted children are their parents’ children, but none of that can change the way you feel deep down when you’ve been planning on conceiving with your own eggs and sperm. Just because you know something doesn’t mean you feel it, and last night I was able to feel it.
My husband is not feeling it, though. He’s hesitant to jump on board with using an egg donor. Now, to be fair, we’re not even to the point where we’re considering an egg donor yet, since we just started realizing we’re infertile, but I need backup plans and backup plans for those backup plans in order to feel like I have options and not to lose hope. What’s funny is that he would have been more willing to use a sperm donor if we’d needed it (which we don’t) and I am more open to using an egg donor. We both want to raise the genetic child of the other. My husband is supportive, though. He says he will do whatever it takes to make me happy, and I know that no matter how we become parents, he will become the amazing father he was meant to be. He’s always held on to hope longer than I do.
Sometimes I can feel my despair and misery around me like a poison gas cloud. What did I think about before I thought about getting pregnant? Is this worth it to have a baby? Do I even still believe that I will ever have a baby? Why did this happen to us? How do people move on after not having children they desperately wanted?